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The frugal Lutheran walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. A pastor fell out with his church council over various church policies and procedures, including how the finances were handled. After bitter arguments and many nights of lost sleep, he decided to leave the congregation to take a job as a prison chaplain.

A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed stately homes and beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a rundown cabin. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.

Little Philip was walking home in the rain with his mother following Sunday worship. It finally stopped raining as they rounded the corner, where to their surprise and delight appeared a vivid double rainbow in the sky. The weary evangelist knocked on another door, fully expecting to have it slammed in his face. Sure enough, the older woman who answered, angrily demanded that he leave once she figured out why he was there and slammed the door.

Once again it bounced back open. One more time she slammed the door. One more time it bounced open again.

Moses goes down, parts the lake and retrieves the ball. As Jesus is down walking on the water looking for the ball, a crowd has formed. Early one morning the husband and wife were arguing over who should get out of the warm bed to make the coffee. God is talking to one of his angels. Arne and Peder decide to go ice fishing.

They head out, find a nice spot, cut a hole in the ice, and stick in their poles. They get up and find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles with great hopes of fresh Walleye.

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They look around, look at each other, then look up. So, they gather up their equipment, choose another promising spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles. They look around, look at each other, then look up, again seeing no one. At his first service, the new preacher had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit.

As he preached, he drank until the pitcher was completely empty. It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Annie stayed home from church with her mother. When the rest of the family returned home, they were carrying palm fronds. Annie asked them what they were for.

Religious Jokes

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. Bring your husbands. Pastor Paul had been advised by his doctor to lose 30 pounds or risk serious health consequences.

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The good pastor took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to the church building to avoid his favorite bakery. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a youth meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today. I dare you to do it again!

Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this? The A priest and a pastor stood near a sharp curve on a busy road holding signs. Then he blasted his horn, raised one finger and stomped on the gas.

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Moments later the clerics heard the sound of screeching tires, followed by a big splash. The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty. According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

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Peter asked. I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Grandma was showing the grandchildren an illustration of a Pilgrim Family on a Thanksgiving Day card that she had received.

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A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son, Timmy, walking to school. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe. The relieved mother agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew.

She did this for the whole week. A drunk staggered from the bar, careened down the street, and somehow managed to make it up the stairs into the cathedral. Once inside, he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A young priest had observed his trajectory and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. The priest sat silence, finally beginning to wonder if the man had passed out. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. Have you seen that clever bumper sticker?

Any fool can honk. The first tells St. Peter lets him enter. Peter tells him to go ahead. After that, you can go to hell. Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most generous givers. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

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A boy came late to Sunday School late. A young couple purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving organic enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the young farmers. The farm house was completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there were plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields were filled with crops planted in neat rows.

Because the parish cut his salary, the devout pastor took a job delivering pizzas to make ends meet. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and congressman and gave them their room assignments. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite. As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.